Love And It's Subtle Machinations
Monday, January 23, 2006 at 7:52PM I've been in love 3 times. All three of them have ended in ways that I was unhappy with. On the other hand, all of them were tremendously valuable life experiences.
The first was the woman I married. We dated throughout high school and the details would be wholly unremarkable to any of you who had high school sweethearts. There were a mixture of highs and lows, puncuated with messy break-ups and remarkable reconciliations. The end result was a relationship that embodied years and years of hapiness, frustration, and posing. I think that the sheer momentum ended up as it's undoing. The end of that love was a divorce that, considering the circumstances, was handled remarkably well by both parties. I covered this in detail (in a post that was consumed by the WordPress whitespace monster, please accept my most humble apologies). The lasting result was a wonderful daughter who we love dearly and who's mere voice lights up my world.
The second was a woman that I dated for a short, yet concentrated period. I knew her for years and fell into a relationship with her that quickly grew into something both humbling and exciting. I was confident many times that this was the one. This was the woman that had been put here specifically to be matched up with me. She and I could form like Voltron and take on the world. Sadly, I ended that relationship in an uncharacteristically harsh away. I have always been a gentle and caring boyrfriend, but I really did this girl wrong. I broke up with her out of the blue and under horrible circumstances. The fact that I treated her the way that I did has haunted me to this day. She and I speak on occasion and she's made it very clear that, while I was a total asshole and I broke her heart, the act is long since water under the bridge and she has gone on to find a fantastic guy and is getting by famously. I've still not forgiven myself for that outburst, but I wouldn't change what I did. There's no sense in dwelling on the things you can't change. The idea is to learn from them.
The third was the most powerful. I dated her for something in the neighborhood of a year. It was a whirlwind that caught us both and wisked us into territory that was both frightening and wonderful. Both of us had been through divorces recently, so there was a lot of understanding in that department. My desire to understand my girlfriend quickly found a home in her. We were able to communicate even the most subtle and tricky problems with little difficulty. The fights were rare but genuine. There were no games and no silly posturing. Now you know this has to end, right? There was quite a distance involved and eventually all the magnificence was eroded by it and other forces that I've yet to understand. Our communication in the end was practically non-existent, so the culmination was swift, decisive, and pure. I was effectively asked to end the relationship in an obtuse way. I never deserved you anyway were the last words I ever heard. This was disappointing because I was sure that this was the one that I had been waiting for. I was prepared to give up everything that I could give to make it work. The only chip I can't bet is my relationship with my daughter, so I always have to stay nearby.
I really enjoy being in a relationship. It brings me great joy to be able to make another person happy. I'd be lying if I pretended to not have many of the same agenda items as most guys. I wouldn't be lying if I said that I thoroughly enjoyed having someone to share things with. I recently saw a silly message being passed around by girls on MySpace. It listed all these things that real man did: Saying the girl is beautiful, kissing her on the forehead for no reason, coming over just to watch a movie, etc etc etc. These are all trite and silly. They are merely decorations that make a happy relationship prettier. I'd be shoring up my doors if things like this were real motivators.
One place I do draw the line is cheating. I have never cheated on someone and I have little tolerance for the act. I believe that if something like that is necessary, you can have the decency to be a jerk and break up first. It's not that hard to do. Phone call - break up - hang up - do the deed. It's better than cheating. I've had some confirmed and suspected cheats along my path. This is one clear way to show that you are an asshole in my opinion. Anyway...
I've changed more than I ever thought possible in the year and some months that I've been divorced. I've talked to girls and been on dates. I'm genuinely impressed by the body of material that I have to draw from. Being in love once does nothing for future endeavours. Each one has to be approached with a fresh and open mind because no two people handle the situation the same. Even I change from relationship to relationship.
I believe that if you truly love someone, then you can't ever get it out of you. Regardless of my current status with them (say, speaking rarely, making child support payments, or never speaking to) each holds a hallowed position in my heart as a friend and partner to which I will forever owe some debt of gratitude. Each of them have contributed some manner of ingredients into the Cory that exists today. Each successive one owes a small thanks (or perhaps some curses) to the ones before because they have all shaped me. In turn, I've done something for each of them. I like to think each of them came out better than they came in (in response to or in spite of me). I know I did.
It is my opinion that the last one got my best efforts so far. That's probably why that loss was (and is) still so confusing. I'm sure the woman I so viciously broke up with felt the same way.
The final part of this lengthy adulation of love is the crazy way that it pops up. The next woman I fall in love with may be someone I meet tomorrow or someone that I already know. I know this much: I won't be ready. I also know that I'll be scared to death and excited all at once. I know that I will apply the lessons I've learned to the relationship that forms and I will make brand new mistakes. I will learn from them and continue to attempt to bring out the best in her and myself.
Now. Where the fuck did this come from? I have no idea. It's been a post that has been brewing in my head since the day that I got a blog. It feels quite good to have gotten it out.
Before I hit publish, let me thank each of the women that were mentioned in this post. I think all of them will read this. Falling in love is a rare and special act. To have shared it with someone is a genuine mini-miracle admist a sea of turmoil. The only thing more powerful than having been in love with someone is being in love with them. Sometimes it takes a long time to fall out of love. Usually you are doing some completely unrelated and you suddenly realize that the warmth and comfort that you felt is gone. It's almost like a piece of you floats away. It's something that I will no doubt enter into again, possibly more than once. I do know from experience that it has better to have lost it than to never have experienced it. I look forward to it.
The one thing I'm looking for in a girl is: (drumroll) Someone who will do as much for me as I will for them. I'm one of those bastards that will totally show up out of the blue after a fight with flowers in the middle of the night in the rain. It's simple.
Reader Comments (7)
I thoroughly enjoy your open life-analytics. I also know the thereputic value of figure shit out through a good blog post.
Just don't listen to any advice that I give, becuase I don't have the shit figured out either.
I've managed to listen to you as little as possible so far. Why change what's working? You were sitting beside me watching me be miserable through girl number 3. :)
I was first! I win!
You also are the only one that gets paid as a result. :)
I was last and I repaired what #1 and #2 fucked up. However I fucked up too, so there needs to be a #4 to kick all of our asses.
I fucked up #2. She's the innocent one here!
Let's not leave me out. I made my own decisions as to when to stay in and get out of relationships. Your order isn't relevant. I'd prefer to not introduce comparisons or finger pointing.
Suffice it to say that none of these have worked out yet and I'm still looking. ;)