As of about 9:30am this morning, I am officially divorced.

The act was remarkably easy, if you don’t take into consideration the steps that you go through to get to the court date (my ex decided to leave, which is important in understanding the rest of this):

Denial - I initially denied that it was happening. My initial reaction was a complete lack of action. In hindsight, an immediate move to counseling should’ve been the reaction.

Confusion - This phase is not mentioned in any literature on the subject that I’ve seen, but I went through a late denial phase where I was not only denying that there was any good reason for the separation, but I was bugging my ex for ‘reasons’ that she really didn’t have.

Bargaining - I tried to take all of the blame, I tried to negotiate. I plead my case to any diety that would have me. I even tried to get her mother involved (bad, bad idea).

Anger - My angry ‘phase’ was more of a common thread throughout the ordeal. The angry piece would pop out from time to time and threaten to undermine whatever gains I had made.

Depression - I fought off depression with gym visits, shopping, and video games. None of them helped, but they kept my brain busy.

Ordering the phases into a coherent roadmap to explain how I got from being completely demolished emotionally to well-adjusted and comfortable with the result is impossible. I know that each of those manifested themselves in my journey, but trying to quantifying them is futile.

The single most painful part of the process was the bargaining phase, when my ex decided to ‘move back in’ and attempt to reconcile. There were small victories, but each was countered by overwhelming losses in other areas. Each breakthrough in the relationship was countered by a broken promise or some other negative nail in the proverbial coffin. This time was easily the most painful and stressfull for me. I needed something from her that she couldn’t provide.

In the last few months, since we actually filed our divorce and began to follow the guidelines of the parenting plan and split our assets according to the marital dissolution agreement, the entire thing has congealed into a working idea.

By my estimation, my ex and I married at a point in our lives where we had not completely finished maturing. Some people lump this into ‘too early’ or ‘not adults’, but I think they are being stereotypical. Being ready to be married, IMHO, has nothing to do with age, and everything to do with maturity. We simply weren’t there. Our time apart has solidified me, as best as I can tell, into the mature man I needed to be. The supressed and held-back parts of my personality have been allowed to germinate and flourish. These will grow unchecked for a time, and eventually be pruned and shaped into an acceptable bouquet for some other woman.

None of these ‘problems’ are the fault of my ex, or of myself. They can simply be blamed on our union. Each of us contributed to the other’s problems as much as we contributed to our own. Just because my ex bit the bullet and left doesn’t make her a bad person. She dealt with the emotions surrounding that decision for quite awhile before she actually had the balls to pack up and go. I respect her for that.

So, anyway, I’m glad that it’s over, but it’s slightly sad to see it go. It’s hard to understand how your feelings for someone can change so drastically in such a short time. After four years of marriage, the Jennifer of that time knew the Cory of that time better than anyone (and vice versa). But now, I can’t read her emotions any more. That’s a very odd feeling.

It is, however, a good thing. We will be better off. We already are, for that matter. I’m extremely thankful for her handling of the divorce, and I’m proud of mine as well. I went out of my way to make her as comfortable as I could, since she had no representation and I did the filing. I tried my best to keep her informed and to answer any questions or concerns. I don’t expect any thanks for that, because everyone should behave that way.

This entire dialogue ignores the issue of my beautiful daughter. It’s a completely unfathomable idea to explain to anyone how this has affected me in regards to her. What’s important is that I will work for the rest of my life to be the best father I can, and that I want her to always want to spend time with her Daddy. I will never force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, and if she opts out of seeing me, I’m doing something wrong.

Jennifer and I are solely focused on the well-being of our daughter, so I’m not really worried about how that turns out. We both love her very much, and we intend to maintain a very good relationship when it comes to being parents, despite our new statuses.

I doubt she’ll ever read my blog, but: Thank you for everything Jennifer. I’ll never forget you, and I can’t think of anyone better to be Brenley’s mother. Good luck, and I hope that you go on to a happy life. I’ll, of course, be tagging along, doing my thizzle, and helping you raise a great daughter.

It doesn’t seem eloquent enough, but it’s hard to summarize such an event into words. I of course, will speak to her on a weekly basis, so forgetting would be retarted. It’s more of an emotional imprint that we’ve made on each others lives. I’m sure you get my drift. :)

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Posted at : November 3rd, 2004 - 4:06 pm
Filed under : General
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